A Calling

By Tish Addams

My hijab-wearing journey has been filled with a lot of ups and downs.

I am blessed to be born Muslim and I initially started wearing Hijab when I was 18 – prompted by my then-boyfriend. I felt restricted at the time, like I was forced to, even though I was not. I later realized that I did it for the wrong reasons, therefore it didn’t feel right. Eventually I broke up with my boyfriend and took off my hijab 3 years later.

While a part of me felt free from the expected norms of a Hijabi, my heart constantly felt unease. I fell into worse behavior, neglecting my prayers and taking Allah’s blessings for granted.

Later on I met the man who I now call my husband. A year after we got married, we were blessed with our first born son. He seemed like a miracle, especially after doctors told us it would be difficult for me to conceive.

2 years later, we decided to try for another child. And I found out I got pregnant again on the first of Syawal. What a joy it was. At the time I still did not go back to wearing hijab. My husband is a patient man and he wants me to do it on my own accord. He doesn’t want to force me into it and make me feel resentful towards it.

Later on I realize the second pregnancy was not meant to be. I miscarried at 10 weeks, after weeks of turmoil and not being able to accept that the fetus’ heartbeat was nowhere to be detected.

I took the loss really hard. It affected my work, my relationship with others and I became lost, alone and really withdrawn. Many nights were spent crying to sleep.

While I appreciate the support given by my husband and I am thankful I still have my first born son, I can’t help feeling detached and in my own world, drowning in my sorrows.

And then one day, it just came to me out of the blue while I was at my lowest.

~ Allah The-Almighty can choose to take back anything He wishes. And that which He has given, He can easily take back. ~

I remembered this from somewhere, and though it may not be the exact words from the Quran, I am overwhelmed with emotion and humbled by everything that has happened. That was when I decided to do something with my life.

My husband was away on work and I told myself, if I were to change my life, I should not wait for anything or anyone, or even a special date. That same weekend, I went out and bought nearly a dozen scarfs that would help cover my aurah.

And the very next day, I wore my hijab to work.

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At first, I was filled with a little apprehension on how other people would think. Inside, I was still sore from the loss of my pregnancy but somehow I pushed myself to carry on. This time, I am doing it right. This time, I am doing it for myself. This time I am doing it because Allah commands me to.

I feel as if the loss was a way for Allah to remind me that He is always watching over me, and He wants me to return to Him. I started praying again. I started remembering Allah in everything I do. Slowly, but surely, the changes started appearing.

Over time, I no longer feared what others think. I no longer bothered what opinions they had of me. This was constantly in the back of my mind – if Allah is happy with what I do, then nothing else matters. I should not fear the creation, I should fear the Creator.

I started wearing the hijab again but with my old clothes. Then I started wearing looser clothes. Instead of feeling restricted – I felt liberated. I felt freer than I’ve ever felt before – I know that is often said about wearing the hijab, but it is very true. I could not go out a day without it and I told myself, there is no turning back.

The blessings came so unexpectedly, among them, my third pregnancy, and now my second born child, who is such a great blessing for us that I am even more sure of Allah’s mercy and compassion for His creation, MasyaAllah.

I have now worn the hijab again for a little over a year and in spite of all that I went through to get here, I am so very thankful to Allah that He has brought me back to the right path and I pray never to veer away from it ever again. It has brought me so much peace in my heart – the kind of peace that only comes with the satisfaction of knowing that you’re bringing yourself closer to Allah.

I am sharing my story because I know there are a lot of women out there who are unsure about whether to put on the hijab, who have fears and insecurities and need just that little bit of a nudge, or a reminder. Just remember that Allah will always help you as long as you have the right intentions, to do the right thing, InsyaAllah.