By Tish Addams
My hijab-wearing journey has been filled with a lot of ups and downs.
I am blessed to be born Muslim and I initially started wearing Hijab when I was 18 – prompted by my then-boyfriend. I felt restricted at the time, like I was forced to, even though I was not. I later realized that I did it for the wrong reasons, therefore it didn’t feel right. Eventually I broke up with my boyfriend and took off my hijab 3 years later.
While a part of me felt free from the expected norms of a Hijabi, my heart constantly felt unease. I fell into worse behavior, neglecting my prayers and taking Allah’s blessings for granted.
Later on I met the man who I now call my husband. A year after we got married, we were blessed with our first born son. He seemed like a miracle, especially after doctors told us it would be difficult for me to conceive.
2 years later, we decided to try for another child. And I found out I got pregnant again on the first of Syawal. What a joy it was. At the time I still did not go back to wearing hijab. My husband is a patient man and he wants me to do it on my own accord. He doesn’t want to force me into it and make me feel resentful towards it.
Later on I realize the second pregnancy was not meant to be. I miscarried at 10 weeks, after weeks of turmoil and not being able to accept that the fetus’ heartbeat was nowhere to be detected.
I took the loss really hard. It affected my work, my relationship with others and I became lost, alone and really withdrawn. Many nights were spent crying to sleep.
While I appreciate the support given by my husband and I am thankful I still have my first born son, I can’t help feeling detached and in my own world, drowning in my sorrows.
And then one day, it just came to me out of the blue while I was at my lowest.
~ Allah The-Almighty can choose to take back anything He wishes. And that which He has given, He can easily take back. ~
I remembered this from somewhere, and though it may not be the exact words from the Quran, I am overwhelmed with emotion and humbled by everything that has happened. That was when I decided to do something with my life.
My husband was away on work and I told myself, if I were to change my life, I should not wait for anything or anyone, or even a special date. That same weekend, I went out and bought nearly a dozen scarfs that would help cover my aurah.
And the very next day, I wore my hijab to work.
At first, I was filled with a little apprehension on how other people would think. Inside, I was still sore from the loss of my pregnancy but somehow I pushed myself to carry on. This time, I am doing it right. This time, I am doing it for myself. This time I am doing it because Allah commands me to.
I feel as if the loss was a way for Allah to remind me that He is always watching over me, and He wants me to return to Him. I started praying again. I started remembering Allah in everything I do. Slowly, but surely, the changes started appearing.
Over time, I no longer feared what others think. I no longer bothered what opinions they had of me. This was constantly in the back of my mind – if Allah is happy with what I do, then nothing else matters. I should not fear the creation, I should fear the Creator.
I started wearing the hijab again but with my old clothes. Then I started wearing looser clothes. Instead of feeling restricted – I felt liberated. I felt freer than I’ve ever felt before – I know that is often said about wearing the hijab, but it is very true. I could not go out a day without it and I told myself, there is no turning back.
The blessings came so unexpectedly, among them, my third pregnancy, and now my second born child, who is such a great blessing for us that I am even more sure of Allah’s mercy and compassion for His creation, MasyaAllah.
I have now worn the hijab again for a little over a year and in spite of all that I went through to get here, I am so very thankful to Allah that He has brought me back to the right path and I pray never to veer away from it ever again. It has brought me so much peace in my heart – the kind of peace that only comes with the satisfaction of knowing that you’re bringing yourself closer to Allah.
I am sharing my story because I know there are a lot of women out there who are unsure about whether to put on the hijab, who have fears and insecurities and need just that little bit of a nudge, or a reminder. Just remember that Allah will always help you as long as you have the right intentions, to do the right thing, InsyaAllah.
Mashallah to the sisters who are wearing hijab truly its Allah mercy and to those who are not don’t worry ND despair Allah will guide u to keep praying. May Allah make all of us among the people of jannah.ameen