By Rukhsana Nawaz
So I have come to the end of my Iddat period and by the time I reached mid-point, I found myself to have settled into a routine, in my comfort zone which was within the four walls of home. I learnt how to become closer to my Creator, through Tahajjud prayers. Priorities changed, home lingers with a new unfamiliarity as the ground that was once stable below my feet, now rocks like a torrential wave. My house seemed huge with no one present and back to normality.
I had spent a lot of time in my bedroom where I didn’t feel the emptiness of the house so much. During this time, I qualified as a Life Coach. Little did I know, I would be self coaching. By applying the comfort zone map and the life cycle, helped me build a purpose and set priorities. I have grown and moved on from the comfort zone, to the fear zone, while learning zone and finally, the growth zone which leads to living dreams, finding purpose and achieving goals إن شاء الله
These four months have been a long journey of acceptance with an irreversible reality. I have learned to appreciate family and friends, as well as every moment lived. I found a way to make peace with myself and with my new life. My children and grandchildren have been that peace, with a new form of bonding transpiring between us. These are the blessings in my life which I cherish very dearly. Seeing my youngest grandchild, at 17 years old, go through this trauma and the way he was coping with it, gave me much strength.
It was equally a blessing to have good family and friends around, those who paid me weekly visits, called me or messaged me. Each week, they saw a different person, ranging from the strong Rukhsana, the broken Rukhsana, the shattered Rukhsana to the lost Rukhsana. Some days, while strong, I was also easily breakable. These family and friends stayed patient as they saw me mold into a new person, accepting that I will never be the same person they once knew. I truly learnt to value them more than they could ever know.
I really found comfort in having all my photo albums out and remembering the beautiful life we had. This was a way of healing for me and I used these photos, as a positive tool, when visitors came too, to take away the pain and sadness in conversations. I wanted them to see the rich, vibrant life spent by us all. This brought about temporary smiles to our faces.
By the second month, I had joined online Quran classes and with Allah’s help, improved my Quran recitation. I always wanted to do this but never found the time! This was very satisfying and fulfilling for me ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلّٰهِ
I spent a lot of time listening to various Islamic lectures and sifting through them. I had the urge to share my new found knowledge with my family and friends. This was a new way of socializing, a much more productive and valuable way I found.
The healing process was at different levels – conscious and subconscious. I developed new behaviour patterns e.g. changed my ringtone on my mobile, not to jump when it rang, thinking hubby as his name was saved, was calling me. My late husband always had a cup of tea together at 5pm. Whether together or apart, we would make sure we were having that cup of tea. When at Mina, during Hajj, we stayed in different tents, but he came out and called me to have a cup of tea with him outside.
Now, a friend comes at 5pm to be my new “tea partner,” filling that space, but as the weeks progressed, she got busy and my desire for tea at 5pm disappeared. Nature works wonders on our minds and bodies as time progresses, hence the Greek poet Menander’s saying goes, “Time is a healer.”
We can often focus upon ourselves during Iddat, which is necessary. My growth has also been about supporting my son who had lost his father. I tried to remain composed even when I wanted to cry so as not to upset him. I learnt to become the father as well as the mother to my son. I saw him change instantly from a young boy to a young man. I saw the way he was coping and some of the things he was replicating. Seeing all the positive things instilled in him by his father, gave me strength, peace and gratitude. A huge blessing and sign he had left for me to hold onto. It is also important to grieve together.
A few days before the end of my Iddat period, I felt a deep wave of anguish engulf me. I had gotten so used to this new setup, I didn’t want it to end. But why? It felt like this was the ‘real closure’ as if being cut away from an umbilical cord, separating the two and freeing each one to move onto a new beginning. I felt tearful and broke down many times. I didn’t want to step outside into the big wide world where I might easily get lost without my husband, but I knew I had to do it!
At the end of my Iddat, my children took me to Turkey for the December holidays. This was a big step to take, but a stable step I needed. My holiday with all my children and grandchildren was a new beginning. All fifteen members, who had never made it on a holiday together, managed to find the time to do this! Allah showed His Mercy with new blessings and new doors opening.
Do I still have time to sit and think about my new purpose in life? I could be planning it now, but I would rather go with the flow and see what Allah has planned for me!
In conclusion, I have learnt that everyone’s Iddat period is different. We may share the same feelings of loss, but not the same Iddat experience. During Iddat, grief is composed of pain, but also from our beliefs, traumas, personality, and relationship with whom we carry in our hearts. What works for one, can very well send another into a downhill spiral. My message to my dear sisters in the Iddat period, is: be gentle with yourself and with others, cherish this once-in-a-lifetime experience as you move onto the next chapter of your lives!
About the Author:
Rukhsana Nawaz is a devoted Primary School Teacher boasting over two decades of rich experience in the UK and Saudi Arabia. Her professional calling revolves around empowering children and women through multifaceted avenues, including engaging in the Parent-Teacher Association, a culturally tailored Cognitive Behavioral Therapy program for South Asian women via the NHS and helping women grapple with PostNatal Depression. She is a licensed life coach currently leading inspirational retreats.