By Rayhanni Rahman (Ray)
I’ve been wearing the hijab for seven years, and the first time I wore the hijab was in my first year of college. A saying that moved me regarding my decision to wear hijab is when I performed Umrah (months before I became a freshman). I was greeted by a Palestinian woman who sat behind me, and said that I have a unique face (in a good way) and asked me where was from, whether or not I originally wore the hijab, etc. I answered that I have wanted to but I just haven’t done it. She told me to wear it because it suits me well. I said : ‘Masha Allah, alhamdulillah. Thank you Aunty for saying that to me!’ This simple gesture of her moved me and got me thrilled.
The people who know me well often would say, ‘How do you become so confident wearing your hijab differently?’ — just because I love wearing the hijab with bright colours, or a hijab with a contrasting colour to my blouse, and the most bold one was when I wore long-sleeve, dark colour innerwear topped with a short-sleeve blouse / top. I think my clothing would be just fine as long as I keep being modest. Deep inside I just want to be myself and set apart from my friends that wear the same kind of hijabs and blouses. I want to be different! (Who wouldn’t?)
I studied psychology. I learned so much about human behaviors, personality, and how to be an individual with actualised aspiration in pursuit of life goals and dreams. One time, I delved into a job that I thought I’d be totally resilient with any kind of formidable hurdles that came with it. I worked 9-5 and when it comes to corporate life, I get to meet different people with different aims, wants, and wishes as well. I thought I’d be extremely accepting of any adversities, not to mention the major I took scaffolds the way I communicate and understand others SO well.
One time, I was told by my supervisor to take a day off. I assumed that was because I worked late the other day and had overtime too at weekends. But a day after my day-off, I found out that was because the CEO (that originally lives abroad) visited the company where I was being an intern at; and the CEO was not fond of and never liked a hijabi person, let alone I was treated not seriously by my seniors as the youngest intern. At first, it shocked me, because where I live is a country (Indonesia) that really instills ‘unity in diversity.’
What I had in mind that time was, ‘Could this get any worse? I must toughen up from now on and be able to just bottle my feelings up.’ A year goes by and I worked for a different company in the Human Resources department. To be honest, I have several reasons why I felt unhappy in this working environment, but one of the top reasons is because of how people interpreted my practice of wearing hijab. I’m still feeling a bit salty about how not one but so many of my co-workers and seniors that (I’d say) were too busy to drag me down when it comes to me wearing the hijab. There was this woman in her 40’s who kept on telling me:
-I look OLDER wearing the hijab
-I look LIKE A MOTHER wearing the hijab
-I look ODD, AND NOT SO FANCY wearing the hijab
I kept asking myself: ‘How can a headscarf, hijab, or jilbab make a woman be any less—less beautiful, and not attractive?’ I know it’s inevitable, but it really got to me. It drove me insane, honestly. It did. My best friends regarded me as a person with terrific, unbroken self-esteem, but every time those bad comments haunted me. It kept me from being myself. I decided to resign from that company to take care of my well-being and hop on another chance that allowed me to be surrounded with more positive and healthier people. I realized I could just get out of a toxic working environment because I have to, and because there IS extremely so many better environments and more accepting people out there.
I had met people who treated me badly because of my hijab and I had encountered verbal and non-verbal, micro-aggression from other people. But no one could ever stop me from being a hijabi. That’s why I started my YouTube channel a year ago (under the name: New State of Tranquil). I uploaded a video of hijab ideas on my channel. I did it because I want to be a storyteller through my videos, and I want to be seen more often because I felt I was ignored and kept out of sight by people.
Besides, the love of learning new languages has pushed me to upskill myself. I learned Arabic first, then I added up German and Russian. I brush up my skills by reading and watching movies in different languages on Netflix. It is all fulfilling to me. Inshallah, I keep getting better and better.
As a devoted hijabi (inshallah), it makes me a lot more content with life. All in all, I learned the hard way and I’m still a learning hijabi in progress.