By Rukhsana Nawaz
Al-Baqarah 2: 234 – 235 in the Quran enlists the following things about Iddat in the form of verses:
- The observing period for a widow is four months and ten days,
- During this period, a woman cannot marry another man
- If a person wants to marry a widow or divorced woman, he may declare his intentions in a socially acceptable manner while the iddah period is running, there shouldn’t be any secret commitment of marriage with the widow.
- Once the period of four months and ten days has completed, a marriage contract can be finalized containing time and place for marriage rituals.
SubhanAllah, our Creator has looked after a woman’s mental well-being before anyone when prescribing the Iddah period. Allah سبحانه و تعالى knows the vulnerable state a woman is in after losing her most precious gift-her husband!
Today, two months into my Iddat period, I have learned many lessons and upon self-reflection pondered about them. I want to share my experience of iddah with you.
The first thing that comes to mind for Iddah is the four month and 10 days waiting period, which can conjure up an image of lockdown. Doors to the outside world are closed except in exceptional circumstances. However, this really didn’t strike me initially as I was at the peak of grieving.
Having immersed myself fully into Iddah, those seven weeks had been a roller coaster with huge waves of anguish and the calmness that followed the next day.
It was at the midpoint of my Iddat period that I found a compromising position in my life and self-reflection, which brought a whole new spin for the meaning of Iddat period.
On November 10th, 2023, I experienced Iddat as a time for grieving, repairing, a need for space, gaining strength, recovering, learning patience, confidence, comfort-zone, safe haven, memorable, purpose of life, a new life – living without….
The feeling roller coaster looks like this; sadness, happiness to know jannat is his destination إن شاء الله , emptiness, regrets, happy memories, smiles, gratitude, awareness of support from family, friends, community, society and my own situation – losing one part of me!
Now, I understand and can feel the quote “my better half or other half.”
A last duty to my husband that I owe him was to learn patience. When things quiet down and there remains only a trace of visitors coming as normality hits, the initial fear I have is that of isolation: specifically a silent house in my case.
Staying indoors meant loneliness would follow, potential effect on my mental and physical health, and accepting my new identity as a widow.
Two months later, where am I on my Iddah journey?
I am so grateful to Allah سبحانه و تعالى for giving me this unique time and I feel so much gratitude that I didn’t have any exceptional circumstances that I had to leave the house for. Alhumdulillah, being financially stable, no small children to look after, no work, no school runs, no shopping to do as it’s all been taken care of by Allah سبحانه و تعالى and His servants. It’s shown me all the blessings still remaining, all the love around me and shown me the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
I have come to realize Iddah has gradually become such a wonderful and comforting experience. It has given me all the time I needed to heal, recover, search, become patient, find myself come closer to my Creator through sabr and shukr. This was an opportunity to wake up for tahajjud prayer, to listen to Islamic lectures, to regularly read Quran with translation: “And surely, We will try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and fruits; and give glad tidings to the patient” (Al-Baqarah:155).
So by putting a spin on my thoughts about some restrictions, I have learned that the world is still there. We don’t go outside but, we bring it to us! We open our doors to the world and I wanted to do it in a Blessed and productive manner.
I came across this quote;
“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.
We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
No one has ever become poor by giving.
He who wished to secure the good of others, has already secured his own.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
It is more rewarding to watch money change the world than to watch it accumulate.
The greatest use of a life is to spend it on something that will outlast it.
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift and not giving it.
As the purse is emptied, the heart is filled.
It is only in the giving of oneself to others that we truly live.
You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.”
I will be sharing my growth after the end of the remaining two months and 10 days إن شاء الله so watch this space!
About the Author:
Rukhsana Nawaz is a devoted Primary School Teacher boasting over two decades of rich experience in the UK and Saudi Arabia. Her professional calling revolves around empowering children and women through multifaceted avenues, including engaging in the Parent-Teacher Association, a culturally tailored Cognitive Behavioral Therapy program for South Asian women via the NHS and helping women grapple with PostNatal Depression. She is a licensed life coach currently leading inspirational retreats.