By Sana Khan
I had a covid infection a few months ago. The symptoms were mild during the peak infection period, but what followed were long days of fatigue and drag across my chores. Outside of work, I am the type of person who enjoys pursuing hobbies and these activities fuel my passion for life. This time, I noticed that I couldn’t keep my eyes open even during work hours, that cooking and cleaning were burdensome and that keeping up with a toddler was challenging.
There were courses I signed up for, so many collaborations I wanted to do, but I simply didn’t have the energy to do much of anything. All I want to do now is finish my work hours, see if I can just cook something to feed the family and myself and go to bed. I don’t have the energy to devote extra hours to preparing a healthy meal.
I had another flu the week before Eid and it was so bad that I was convinced it was covid. I did a self-test, which came back negative, and went to the doctor. It was negative once more; it was just the flu!! The flu caused considerable muscle pain, fever, coughing fits, as well as a blocked nose that left me gasping for air at night. Probably the worst flu I’ve ever had after childhood.
The Eid festival came and went. I couldn’t even get out of bed so my Eid plans went right out the window. As a couple, we spent Eid in Belgium alone, without our families, but we made sure to celebrate in our own way by dressing up, preparing meals and home decor, keeping the house looking fresh and shiny; we might even go out or invite friends over.
This Eid, on the other hand, was unusual. I couldn’t make myself feel any better by doing anything I normally enjoyed on Eid. As I lay in bed, staring into space, sadness hit me hard in the face.
I was wading through the sea of emotions I was experiencing and for the first time I felt, for all the chronically ill people who couldn’t move to celebrate. In other words, any Eid is the same as the day before for the people who are alone and sick, for the people who are too old and sick to celebrate it and for those away from family. How lonely and burdensome all these people must have felt all those Eids, when my healthy self was celebrating it.
Another thought had emerged even though I subconsciously was fighting it all along: it wasn’t just my fatigue that kept me from moving; it was rather, the shadow of loss. I had lost my plans and I had lost any accomplishment that could have been.
But Allah swt, the Greatest Planner, has His plans. It sometimes isn’t what we expect and it’s painful to let go of our own plans, to accept His will when it doesn’t show the light upon us as yet. However, we have to keep going with the flow because He designed everything in this world in pairs of opposites: day and night, heat and cold, happiness and sadness, health and sickness, etc.
You can be sad that it’s over, happy that it happened and cautious that something else will come up or change.
This trust in His system and in Him is learned through the darkest days, through the deep submission that comes after the stages of deep loneliness and sadness, that sense of helplessness, powerlessness and loss. When you hit rock bottom, your soul remembers only one thing: Submission to His Lord, “Ya’ Allah,” it says.
What comes naturally to us in happier and lighter moments is our Gratitude to our Creator, and what comes naturally to us in heavier moments is true Submission, an understanding through helplessness that you are not in control and in charge, that someone else is, that you weren’t the one planning and manifesting, it was always someone else, that no matter how dark it appears, the dawn will come with His will, and no matter how beautiful or long the day is, this will end with His will.
About the Author
Sana Khan is a Motivational Speaker, Writer and Coach. Moreover, Khan has attained her engineering degree from Shobhit Institute of Engineering and Technology (now a Deemed University) and Dr. APJ Abdul Kamal University (former UPTU) in India. She has an MA in International Business from EAE Business School in Barcelona Spain and UPC Catalunya, Spain. Khan has recently written a motivational eBook entitled, “Dreamcatcher Framework.” She has also co-authored a spiritual anthology called, “Pause and Pen.” When she is not reading or writing, she prefers to nature-walk or sip coffee with her husband and son in Belgium.
Website: www.talkwithsana.com
YouTube and Facebook @TalkwithSana
Instagram @Sanakrblogs