By Busra Yildirim (Canada)
It was exactly 3 years ago from today since I became a practicing Muslimah. Of course, I was a Muslim by name but I didn’t know much about Islam, never prayed, and was extremely attached to the Duniya (worldly affairs). I was so mean and rude that I hated my own twin sister for wearing hijab. I bullied and I laughed at her. However, it was at the the New Year’s celebrations of 2012 that my life changed forever.
We were having a party with my friends at my house and the moment 2012 hit, I watched the news only to know that Japan was hit by an earthquake. Normally, such events wouldn’t scare me but that night I was afraid. I felt that death was so close yet I was so unprepared. For days my heart was bothered and as much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn’t. I was truly afraid. I was afraid of death and most importantly I was afraid of meeting Allah. I became so afraid I would constantly cry every night. I was afraid of going to sleep thinking I wouldn’t be able to wake up the next day. So somehow I decided to start praying to stop the fear and the pain. And when I did, wallahi (I swear), nothing felt better for my heart than Salah(Islamic Prayer).
With prayer, my love for the Quran increased. I couldn’t read well in the beginning because I forgot so much of it when I wasn’t practicing. So I decided to re-learn the alphabets and start fresh. I didn’t have anyone to teach me so I would just go on YouTube and watch videos for kids to learn the alif ba (Arabic alphabets) again and this went for months and weeks.
There were days where I felt so sad and tired and I would just breakdown crying because I couldn’t read. I felt ashamed of myself because I couldn’t connect with Allah. It became even worse when my Arabic speaking friends started to discourage me. But because I wanted to learn the Quran so much, Allah helped me and Subhan’Allah (All Praise to Allah), with time, it became easier and I could read once again. My ears would hear the Quran and my lips would recite it. My heart fell in love with the Quran.
While all this was going on, I was still not wearing hijab. I thought I would wait until I graduated university to put it on and for the time being I tried to dress modestly. I tried to wear long sleeved shirts, less make up etc. Subhan’Allah, one day I woke up in the morning and my heart told me “you’re ready to wear hijab.” So I went to my mom and told her that I wanted to wear it. Everyone was as shocked as me and as it was so sudden my mom said no thinking that I would take it off. I begged her and told her I am only wearing it for Allah, nobody else. And upon hearing that she approved. When I first put the hijab on I felt different, respected, modest, protected and at peace. Words cannot describe its beauty wallahi (I swear). I repented over and over again until my heart felt better.
Everything happened so fast, I was even confused. After praying, reading Quran and wearing the hijab, I had this one dream I can never forget. I was in an empty field walking by myself and then I saw a woman. She was a very big person not like us. She was sitting in front of a Quran-stand wearing all white. Her back was facing me so I couldn’t see her face but wallahi, she was the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life. She had so much noor (beautiful white light), she was glowing. And then she started reciting Surah Yaseen (36th chapter of the Holy Quran) and SubhanAllah, I had never heard such a beautiful voice in my life. After she recited a few verses, she disappeared and I tried to repeat the same verses and recited after her. Until now I always remember her and tell myself that I want to be her. I want to be like her. I don’t know who she was. I thought she was an angel or one of the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) or something like that. She was just so unreal.
After finding Allah, wallahi, my life changed so much and I changed so much. I felt my relationship with my family became more beautiful. School became less stressful. The way Allah’s love filled my heart, it is indescribable. It was a moment I never once regretted in my life and for this reason I always remember the verse “He found you lost and guided you” [Q:93:7] and feel so grateful to Him. A few months later, a friend of mine whom I never thought would be what we call ‘religious’, called me one day and told me he tasted the sweetness of emaan (faith) also. I never once imagined, not even once, that he would ever start practicing. Allah’s mercy is so great in different ways. He guides us and shows us the way. And we need to seek His guidance too. Overall, what I learned from this experience was to NEVER give up on yourself or anyone else. Wallahi, if Allah guided someone like me, never lose hope that He won’t guide you or anyone else. Don’t wait for the ‘light’ to come to you but rather take the first step yourself and go to Allah. He is your LIGHT and He is waiting for YOU. Don’t wait for tomorrow, take the chance today.
SubhanAllah, this is a really great story. JazakAllah khair for sharing your story with us, dear sister 🙂 This is really a great reminder for all of us to never lose hope in the Almighty (SWT).
“If you seek to approach the highest than seek Allah – IQBAL
– the door odd acceptance –
QABUL is with you, all of us have to seek Allah not one, but all
of us because Allah is generous.😇
Mashallah, thank you for sharing your story with the world! It has reminded me to never give up, even when following the correct path seems overwhelmingly hard. I needed that reminder. Thank you, sister.